"She's Such a Slut"

       

"She's Such a Slut"(......because she's talented and I have an inferiority complex)

[ CAUTION : MIND EXCRETA AHEAD ]

I was a nerdy, moustached seventh grader when I was called a slut for the first time by a bunch of girls, after winning the Class President elections in 2007. It didn't matter then because, the meaning of the word was nebulous in my 12 year old brain. 

Five years later, a guy spat the squalid term on me, which was ironic, in view of the fact that he'd been going around, ridiculously flaunting his fondness for me a day before he saw me working on a project with one of his guy-friends. It hurt. A lot. You'd obviously expect a 17 year old to understand the depth of the word "slut", its areas of usage and associated negativity. Wish, I didn't. It exacerbated the pain, while I incessantly thought about all the assumptions, society would make about me, with the slut filter on.  

I went back home with a bitter mood, locked myself in a room, cried for hours together. Funny, because I'd actually started to view myself as a slut after the incident, despite my oblivion to basic sex-related knowledge, 12th graders typically have.

Months passed, college happened, innocence remained unscathed. I got busier and busier, subsequently drifted away from college-mates. Conversations with people got pithier and crisper. Life got better, professionally but deteriorated, socially. People mistook my seriousness for attitude and arrogance. A classmate, also a trustworthy friend, who was in touch with them more than I was, described to me how I was taken for one of those mean girls by the guys and a slut, by the girls given my interest in fashion besides other things. Dirty, disappointing canards propagated through college, which, to be honest, surprised me more than anything I, ideally, should've felt. Asinine, baseless remarks on my character were made by people who'd never talked to me before, who hardly knew me. The same old slut shaming, absolute balderdash. There was, quite naturally, a feeling of irritation, easy to get over this time. Maturity had finally embraced me. 

While all these rumours happened, I discovered a bunch of genuine supporters and friends, who made  recovery a short phase. 

Interning at Koovs and Klozee, two fashion based, companies(/startups) this semester, turned out to be particularly conducive to the efforts I'd been making to become immune to context-less, piercing hogwash people barfed, as defense to their insecurities. I met some multi-talented, like minded girls who shared their own stories that sounded like different versions of what I'd been through. As comforting as that was, it also aggravated my existing disillusionment with the scenario. 

My wrath arises from the emotional harm people knowingly or unknowingly cause to put their targets down, due to their own inability :

1. To achieve goals their targets could achieve

2. To get the attention of their targets through sincere effort or straight means 

Defamation for revenge is an utterly loser scheme vis a vis dealing with personal trauma or inferiority complex. Pardon me for being didactic without your consent but working hard, building your own skills and getting inspired is the way to go. You'd probably love your targets, if you put yourself in their shoes. 

To all the girls who've been called sluts at least once in their lives, I'd say, feel flattered. Take it as an indicator of progress. You're doing things right, if your intentions are pure, ambition is legit and approach is right. Adopt a 'switch off' strategy that usually involves reading, writing or picking up a new, less time consuming hobby. It's okay to be an occasional recluse. 

As an end note, I'd apologise for the number of 'I's' and 'me's' I've used in the post, to this line and if you found this rant-y or whine-y. But I guess, that what my personal blog is all about. 

Ping me, if you have a story to share or need help dealing with an issue in school, college or elsewhere.

Toodles!

Desultory Misanthropophilia

The Curious Phase of Misanthropophilia

Why do people drift away only when I'm sad? Does a subtle request for a little more empathy really get them mad? 

If only I'd known how to express my desire, for a gingerbread dose of their advice, that I'd hold up and admire 

All this commotion, this blanket of despair, of apathy, it weighs my lion down, in frail moments and misery

This isn't a phase, it's a calamity, for it didn't just touch, it hit my sanity

~~~

My misanthropic phases used to creep in once in a while , but they've become a part of life now. I wouldn't say, I begin to feel extreme hate against people, just this squalid inability to find reason in engaging in social interaction. 

Equations last when inputs trail from both sides, and at this point, I feel like I'd jeopardise all of mine by even attempting to enter discussions, because I'm incapable of contributing. My life gets dictated by apathy, once in while. I'd be lying if I say, it's tolerable. The surroundings are to blame for the lackadaisicalness. Not entirely. Mostly. It's like osmosis. When you're a swollen raisin (happy individual) in a dry environment, the latter tends to suck the juice out of you, like it's some sort of  hypertonic medium, just so that it can gain its liveliness back, at the cost of yours. Sprouting from the analogy made, it may be fair to stay away from people when you feel anti-social rather than forcing yourself to chip into a confab just because you've been smacked by monotony. Why? Because, people can be the root of boredom. They can play a hyper, instead of the hypotonic medium (conducive for maintaining your aplomb), aggravating your status quo. Ephemeral introversion isn't bad. Nothing, besides self-destruction, is bad if it helps you get back to a shade of yourself you feel stable and happy in. If the consideration of societal perception of your activities, is delaying whatever it is that you have in mind, then, remember that our society also made a figure like Radhe Maa, seem legit at one point in time. Try and love yourself so you're able to value your opinions. And if you can't, ask yourself why. This case would usually arise when you don't trust your own learnings in life. 

People, some close to you and the others, plain acquaintances, make false assumptions at times. Fallacious assumptions related to you are even more exasperating. When the frequency of these false assumptions increases, you start doubting the need for the relationship you have with them in life, simply because it disturbs your equanimity. There's no point, investing time into explaining your position to them because they'd make filthier assumptions as matters get deeper. The carrot, the enigma in the relationship is lost. Any equation that gets demanding beyond the mark, loses its value eventually. It's low maintenance equations that last and make good memories. I was watching Clio Cresswell's TEDx talk only yesterday when she started talking about the connection between the period of sustenance of the equation and compromises made to make it work. As it turns out (heh), the two are inversely proportional. 

Anti-social phases make me analyse human relationships, besides making me feel an instant need to introspect.

Lately, I've been trying to understand why, when and how we get close to people. The conclusions as of now, have been, expectedly, very scientific. I mean to say,  that every event in a relationship can be described near-accurately, by making analogies to scientific phenomena or even general science. Let me explain through a case. The case could be, understanding interactions in misanthropic phases. 

In misanthropic phases, when your urge for company is at a trough, the human tendency to connect with people persists, but, with certain modifications. The phaseal misanthropist (unknowingly) places stronger filters to how she chooses company. The company chosen is an exclusive bunch of people she opens up to, so she can reduce her discomfort. Who are these people? They're people who match her frequency. (Note : The meaning of frequency here, should not be interpreted as the rate of occurrence but as an indicator of the state of a person). Pardon me for making this look like a subject you study at school, but let's just assume, I'm a fan of structure and this is the easiest way I can get my point across. To be a little more specific, the frequency of a person, in this context is a cumulative index of his/her mood(changes one or a few times in a day), phase (lasts longer, could be a few days, weeks or months), workload, company and environment.The recurring combination of the type/degrees of each of these in a person is assumed to be his or her personality. 

Past experiences and recent musings, made me realise, that, 'the personality' is fragmented. Irrespective of the person's internal and external atmospheres, she's bound to feel emotions and enter moods, that are commonly felt by every human being in addition to her idiosyncratic ones. Let's assume that the personality's various fragments are titled A, B,C, D, E, F... so on. The 'A' tag could predominantly represent amicability, 'B' could be aggressively ambitious, 'C' may be workaholism, et cetera. These tags aren't definite and may involve a combination of emotions, moods or phases. The emotion associated with each tag is based on what the primary feeling in the entire phase is. Which personality tag we expose to the world is quite obviously, dependent on our state and the scenario we're in, at a point. Say, your best friend Amy has the A-personality tag exposed, you have the B tag on, and Amy's friend (not your acquaintance) has B too. In this locus, your frequency would match Amy's friend and not hers, which means, you'd prefer a chat with Amy's friend over a chat with her, given the chance to communicate with the former. This takes place, irrespective of whatever relationship you share with either. That's where bonding initiates. When matching of frequencies takes place in either a downcast phase or a phase that has lower chances of occurring, usually unstable, the bonds formed are stronger. To put this simply, real bonds are made in tougher phases, as, not many people are willing to take hogwash from you or handle your upsetting vibe. You'd automatically drift towards those few who understand you, the ones whose frequencies compliment yours. Matching nullifies questions like where these people come from, where they're headed, what influence they might have on you in the long run, so on. They can bridge the gap between you and them, unlike most people and that's all that matters. 

I'd call someone a close friend, if we're mutually comfortable changing our anchor frequencies to one that is needed to get either one of us out of static mode (usually the result of a bad phase), for the sake of the other's peace and love for natural, non-negative communication. Can this get problematic? Of course it can. As a matter of fact, any form of compromise can get extremely problematic, if taken for granted. When static mode becomes an everyday thing. There's a limit to the amount of balderdash anyone can take. The difference lies in where that limit exists for different people. If they've seen your negative side, they better see your positive one unless you want to be called Devdas. 

All of this seems pretty convenient. But hey, when has life been convenient for very long?

Everything is great, till this ugly human phenomena called attachment happens (I'm bitter). You depend on these angels for solace everytime you're sad. Entering disconsolate phases becomes a hobby, no matter how low they make you feel. Since, your equation with these *solace-givers* sees its most entertaining side when you're dejected, you feel like experiencing dejection, more often, just to find an incentive/excuse to talk to them even more. It isn't easy to bid these people adieu, for they've seen a real side of you, not many people get to see. You start feeling comfortable in their presence. 

Why complicate problems that can be tackled without drama? Idea is, to stay away from extreme emotion. 

Relationships end when frequency matching becomes rare or null. Deadlocks occur, if frequencies of all involved parties lie close to or on the misanthropic side. There's not much you can do to avoid situations like these, besides becoming more adjusting and considerate. 

Also, before you question my need to make all these musings technical, I'd like to say that associating the idea of human frequencies with the process of understanding relationships makes it easy for me to grasp all these bizarre patterns linking the two. Humans have their own, different ways to approach problems and find answers. The approaches may, seemingly, be distinct, when what they're all getting at, is essentially the same. What may be Music for Bach is Math for Godel and Art, for Escher. The musician may say that the C scale on the piano consists of 13 keys from C to C, eight white keys and five black keys, with black keys arranged in groups of three and two, while the mathematician would feel happier calling the same, the Fibonacci sequence.

My mind wanders way too much. 

I'm going to end this passage with a question(?) that's been floating in my head for a while now. 

Is it an independent mind that I need? Or a sharp mind that'd suit every deal? Maybe, an emotional mind that makes me empathetic? I think it's a free mind that'd do great deeds. 

Sayonara.

Don't be afraid to cry, love

Don't be afraid to cry, love

Earlier today, something unnerving happened. I couldn't cry because I'd been told, I'm a strong, independent woman. I couldn't complain, because I'm a strong, independent woman. My friends laughed when I told them I felt miserable 'cause how could a strong, independent woman feel that anyway?

Is it fair? Why is it that strong, independent women are mistaken for heartless humans?

Fun fact, we do have a heart. We feel miserable and maybe, shed tears, in situations that anyone would hate to land up in. We're open to attachment, provided you give us some legit incentive to feel love. Yes, we're strong. Yes, we've taken your tantrums and drama before, but don't you even try and go overboard. This isn't me trying to threaten anyone. Just trying to give vocal cords to that bunch of admirable women, who go through the nastiest dilemmas quite often and still manage to stand upright, wearing a facade that wouldn't hint even a little negativity.

Disposal of negative emotions through blogging has never been my cup of tea, but, I guess, it wouldn't hurt to convert into an open book for a change. The last thing I'd want this post to be, is evidence to my emo side, that's just about an iota of what I really am.  I'd say, this is my attempt at converting hard times into literature, one of those rare times, I decided to acknowledge my pain. I am unusually hurt and that's not what you'd expect strong, independent women to say. Truth is, I can't handle it alone. A fraction of these feelings is new and mentally interpreting them would've just added an extra stream of thoughts to my already cluttered brain. Typing was hence, chosen.

Goals are important. Knowledge, in any skeleton, Science or Philosophy moves me more than any loved one can. I've trained myself to curb all emotions while parting with relationships that meant the world to me, at some point. Despite the training,  I write this, alone, weeping, wondering why the world understands only those who make their suffering conspicuous. Do I need to cry everytime I want someone to give me a break? Do I always need to be the one who understands and accommodates just because I'm relatively stronger than who I'm dealing with? Do I need to be punished whenever I take a decision that is more pragmatic than considerate? Well, hear me out. I won't, or rather, can't be a slave to your wishes because your ego's been stricken. I can't fall in love with you because you want me to. My decisions, though, hated now, will be loved later, for they're pragmatic and not the result of a momentary emotional armageddon.

Get real, dove. Please get real.

Don't make me cry because that fuels your ego. I'm here right now, who will you vent out on, when I go? You had a weakness, you uncurtained mine too. So much for a boost; does my awful state, really help you?
Look at the world, it's a beautiful place. Head your own handsome path and give me my space?
I'm going to take my leave, get going like I always have. Wish you the best of luck, hope you don't end up as bad.

I'll leave this right here, for there's better things to do than cry over a petty heart issue.

Don't be afraid to cry, love, this too, shall pass.